Wednesday, January 02, 2013

This is Grace

I was sitting on the floor next to Sitota's bed.  We'd just read books and said prayers and she was so close to drifting off to sleep.

I know,  it's been awhile since I've written anything...  that's partly because toddlers are supremely exhausting.  It's also because of Christmas concerts, preparations and celebrations.  It's somehow because of Newtown, the grief and the hurt.  It's also because even when everything is going well...  adding a new family member is deeply deeply draining.

I'm not going to be able to say this well.  This I already know.

When I sat beside her tonight, I knew I had to try.

There's a sweetness in a sleepy baby,  a sweetness in the look from the warm round face,  and the big bright eyes.  It's too much for me to resist.  It must be Grace in action, because it washes away all of the messy moments.  If you're a parent,  you know that sweetness.  It's our fuel.

Before I knew what was going on, tears were flowing down my cheeks.  I just wanted to ask her, "How are you doing?  How is this Maine thing working out for you?  What do miss most about Ethiopia?" And oh! my! God!  I wanted to plead.  I wanted her to answer me.  While she still remembered Ethiopia.  I wanted her to put words to what she's been feeling.  I needed it.

Which isn't at all what it's about.

I am so sorry,  sweet girl.  I am so sorry that you had to leave your complicated first home.  I'm sorry that your early life wasn't what it could have been.  I hope that we'll not forget or belittle your losses.  I wish... oh, the things I wish.

Yes, the bedtime routine gets tired.  I wish often that she wanted her Daddy to put her to sleep on occasion...

But I am done complaining.  God knows I need the Grace that comes with sweet sleepy babies.


Jessica said...

Yes He does!

Ernestine Edna said...